Kevin Proctor was helpless as he watched the team he was brought to the Gold Coast to lead steadily fall down the Telstra Premiership ladder, and he had no one to blame but himself.
But more than his teammates and the Titans officials who had placed so much faith in him by naming him co-captain back in February, Proctor says the people he owes the most after his ill-fated night out in Canberra after the mid-year Test are his wife Leesa and their two daughters, Zara and Myra.
Proctor played his first game for the Titans since Round 9 last Friday against the Rabbitohs and on Monday spoke to the media for the first time since he was suspended by the club, fined $20,000 and ordered to complete 50 hours of community service.
The Titans won only one game as Proctor served a four-game club-imposed suspension, the momentum of a three-game winning streak disappearing under the weight of four consecutive losses to leave their finals hopes in tatters.
And while contributing to his team's performances in the coming weeks is the only way for Proctor to physically make up for his indiscretion, the work going on behind the scenes is helping to repair the damage he did to his personal life.
In addition to volunteering to assist with working bees, Proctor has been attending meetings organised by the Salvation Army where people battling a range of issues from drugs, alcohol and family matters open up about their experiences.
In addition to the work he is doing with Titans welfare officers Pete Smith and Jen Cross, Proctor believes sharing his story with others will help him to become a better husband and father.
"It's been tough for everyone. I don't want to drag them through that anymore," Proctor said of the toll the incident has caused his family.
"I need to be a better role model to my kids and that's what I'm working really hard to put all this behind me and get back to playing some good footy and focus on my family.
"I've been doing some work with the Salvation Army and doing some things for others has helped my personal life out a little bit. It makes you feel a bit better when you're doing things for other people.
"They have these meetings every Monday or Thursday, just learning from their experiences and how they dealt with similar situations as mine and seeing some other people outside of footy that our welfare team has put me onto to better my personal life."
Stripped of the co-captaincy when news of the incident broke, the 17-time Kiwi Test representative has not set a target of earning back that honour but says he will lead with his actions, both on and off the field.
"I've got to earn everyone's respect back I guess," Proctor said on Monday.
"I let a lot of people down including my teammates, the club, my country, the NRL and most of all my family.
"Once I start earning everyone's respect back and getting back to doing what I love I'll move on from this.
"I'll show them on and off the field that I can be a leader.
"All the work I'm doing with our welfare team, helping other people out and not just myself. Doing everything right by the team and try to move on as quick as I can and put it all behind me."
Needing to win eight of their last 10 games to be any chance of playing finals football – starting this Friday night against the Wests Tigers in Sydney – Proctor was adamant that the Titans will continue to fight to keep their season alive.
"While we've still got the chance we'll keep fighting and do everything we can to keep our finals race still alive," he said.
