Taylan's journey from grief to acceptance to a whole new purpose

Injured Panthers winger Taylan May has always known that rugby league only plays a small part in his life, but unpacking the layers of what that looks like has given him a new purpose in 2023.

May is more than four months post-ACL surgery after suffering the season-ending injury in the World Club Challenge against St Helens on February 18. 

After experiencing the highs of playing 21 games for the Panthers last year, to the lows of missing the decider against Parramatta and the 2023 season due to injury, he's turned his spare time and energy into educating not only himself but others.

May's first major setback in his career has taken him on a journey even he couldn't believe was possible as he explores his life off the paddock with the help of the Panthers club ahead of his return in 2024.

'Give me the good news'

Despite the initial pain on the night, May was so convinced he'd done no major damage to his knee that he turned up to Panthers HQ ready to plot a short-term plan and prepare for the start of the 2023 season. 

The 21-year-old was injured in a three-man tackle that was later cleared by the Match Review Committee on the eve of his second season in first grade. 

"Ivan [Cleary] helped me out of my car as I was on crutches and I walked into the physio room and saw everyone sitting there," May recalled.

"I said ‘give me the good news’ and then when they told me I just broke down.

"I don’t cry too often, and there’s nothing wrong with crying, but I was upset because it’s tough to take being out for a whole season when it hadn’t even started.

"I was grieving for a bit and then accepted it. It was my first major injury. Once you get told for how long you’re out for you take some time to process that.

"It was probably two weeks after the surgery that I accepted it. I had to get the swelling down and in that time I was grieving and eating really badly feeling sorry for myself.

"But eventually I got over it. My fiancee has done it twice playing rugby union so it was good having her to support me."

Perceptions and pain

May has the word 'pain' written under his right eye - a tattoo he got last year when he became a regular in Cleary's side.

He explains it's not as straight-forward as it seems.

A player that has come under the spotlight with incidents off-field since stepping into the NRL, May is not afraid to tell it like it is, but he is also adamant he's not what he's portrayed like away from the field.

He admits to getting into fights away from footy as a teenager, and hitting back at people on social media, but is also putting steps in place to change for the better.

May has given up drinking almost entirely as part of his recent growth while he's reverted to an old Nokia flip phone in a bid to stay off and trim down his time on social media.

"I’m real impulsive and I always wanted tattoos on my face because I wanted to see how quickly people change and judge towards me," he says.

"Automatically people with face tatts are treated like they want to be tough or that they’re scary.

I feel like I was reaching out for help deep down inside at the time so I put 'pain' on my face. I get asked about it and try and avoid the question but it's where I was at.

Panthers winger Taylan May

"A lot of people judge too quick. Sometimes that’s how I do portray myself but if you did meet me and have a chat with me I’d like to think I’m totally different.

"I’m just chilled. The last thing is footy in my brain, especially now. I still help out but if there’s another game I don’t watch any footy. I don’t watch any TV."

May recently underwent a six-week course alongside Cowboys halfback Chad Townsend where he opened up on his struggles and learnt techniques to later present to Katoomba High School students as part of his development.

"They thought a bit different of me too to start because they didn’t know much about me and I think it changed their perception," May said.

"I didn’t think my story really mattered until Kevin Kingston and I went to Katoomba High and they enjoyed what I had to say.

"I think I can help kids, especially in my area around Mt Druitt and see that there’s better things to do than falling into traps of drug dealing or becoming a gang member.

"That’s my purpose now, is to help people and improve myself every day."

Penrith's action plan

The Panthers' blessed injury run in recent years has meant Wellbeing and Education Coordinator Kevin Kingston hasn't been kept too busy in helping players with long-term injuries overcome their demons during rehabilitation. 

May's setback was the first season-ending injury Penrith had suffered to their top squad since they started their run towards three straight NRL grand finals. 

"It’s a trauma for them after they've lost their season and livelihood," Kingston said.

"As Taylan said there’s a bit of grieving and you understand what you’ve lost. You potentially can’t play in a grand final."

Shortly after May underwent surgery, both he and Kingston sat down to map out a plan on how the Panthers can help him take advantage of his injury to set up his life off the field. 

It included May opening up on his beliefs and interests when it comes to topics like faith, breathwork and meditating, natural medicines, public speaking and the odd game of chess. 

"We look at it as 'OK yes this is not great but what does it look like for Taylan now' and what are the opportunities that could come from this," Kingson said.

"We've gone down that road with him of what is his purpose other than football? 

"It's a long process and we're still in the early stages but he's done a great job and we've been really impressed."

Light at the end of the tunnel

May is ahead of schedule with his rehab and on track to be available for the start of Penrith's pre-season in 2024.

He's also jokingly lost the nickname 'Tiny' when it comes to the gym as he focused on building his upper strength before he was able to start running again.

"A few of the boys have been filling my head saying I could be playing second row next year," he said.

"It motivates me more to try and get bigger and use this time to get as big as I can.

"But I’ll always still have the name Tiny, that will always be stuck with me. The whole thing has sort of been a blessing in disguise.

"I feel like next year I’ll be a way better player than what I was, especially mentally better. All the stuff I’m doing now. I’m better now than when I was playing."

Life at home is also good. May recently proposed to his fiancé Jess at a local spot in Tregear during a fitness session.

"I made her run laps so when she was under fatigue and angry at me I surprised her with a nice ending," he laughed.

"It was pretty amazing… a blessing. I’ve been able to be around my family more and do things that I like and I've really found my purpose this year."